“I’m Sick of You” – 10 Preventative Measures to Avoid Breaking Up with Your Partner in a Pandemic

Relationships take work at the best of times, but even more so during a global pandemic where living situations are strict. The recent stay-at-home orders and seemingly never-ending general lockdown mean that people in relationships are either spending far more or less time with their partner than ever before – depending on whether they live with their partner, or if they live apart. With the additional stressors that come along with managing pandemic life, you might find yourself alarmed by how much you’re beginning to relate to Jack Torrence in The Shining.

So, let’s have a look at how science can explain it – and how a scientific model (called the vulnerability-stress-adaptation model, if you’re curious) might help reduce the constant bickering with your partner that has become a staple in your everyday life.

Perhaps you’re wondering why your relationship has started to go sour, because don’t worry – it’s not just you and your partner. Unfortunately, the pandemic has brought about all the ingredients necessary for an unhealthy relationship to flourish, or a healthy one to go south. Here are just a few reasons why you might be sensing more negative emotions between you and your partner…

    💗  You’re running out of self-regulatory resources. Our ability to stay focused and attentive is being depleted much quicker in pandemic-life. If we have to use all of our control to concentrate in a mind-numbing Zoom call when our children are playing loudly in the room next door, it might be a lot harder hold back on snapping at your partner even when they’re just asking for a simple favour.

    💗  You’re extra stressed out. Everyone gets stressed out sometimes about life events and work/home responsibilities. Add in pandemic-related issues like job loss, isolation, and children-staying home all day. Couples who are stressed are more likely to be fatigued, overwhelmed, and distracted from their relationship.

     💗  You don’t know when it will be over. Research shows that couples are better able to deal with short-term stress because they begin the stressful period with fuller emotional resources– nearly a year into this pandemic, and we’re well past the short-term level of response.

   💗  You’re finding it harder to vent to others. Although some people are able to connect online, many of us are feeling isolated from friends and family members whom we would normally turn to for support; these people can usually buffer negative emotions from reaching your partner. Instead, you may be dumping these feelings right onto your significant other, and vice versa.

Some couples are even more prone to the negative impacts the pandemic can have on their relationship. The types of couples who may be dealing with additional stress, making fighting with a partner even more likely, include…

  💗  Those with non-secure attachment styles (i.e. naturally anxious or avoidant individuals)

  💗  Low income individuals, or those that have lost their jobs due to COVID-19. Financial strain in relationships is associated with greater hostility, coercion, and denial between partners.

  💗  Older couples. Compared to younger couples, older couples may feel additional anxiety about contracting the virus and have more doubts about their ability to fight it off. As a result, older couples may take extra precautions to avoid contracting the virus that lead to feeling even more isolated than most. Many older couples are also separated physically,  due to one partner being in a long-term care home, evoking feelings of distance in the pair.

  💗  Parents. With schools being closed, many parents have the additional stress of watching their kids while working from home, potentially leading to more arguments over child-care responsibilities between partners.

 💗  Couples where one or both individuals are a member of a racial/ethnic minority group. Racial/ethnic minorities are at a higher risk of contracting COVID-19, and compared to white individuals, report feeling higher levels of stress about catching the virus, being able to fulfil basic needs during this time, and using health-care services.

 💗  Couples where one or both partners have a mental illness, such as depression.

After reading all that, you might be feeling a bit discouraged. Although it can help to understand why your relationship might be feeling strained, it is even more helpful to have useful, research-based suggestions to implement in your relationship. This is especially true if you want to thrive in your other relationships, such as with your children or family members, because having a good romantic relationship often acts as a solid base for positive interactions all around.

Here are 10 tips from relationship scientists for interacting positively with your partner during this particularly challenging time…

1. Minimize financial stress by seeking out other opportunities for employment and earnings. There’s no shame in having a side hustle.

2. Problem solve directly – no more passive aggressive comments throughout the day. Instead, motivate one another to fix whatever issues you might be having. After all, you two are a team working together against a vicious virus.

3. Acknowledge the situation. Don’t pretend we aren’t in a pandemic, and don’t minimize your experiences or the experiences of your partner during this time. It can be helpful to recognize what feelings are out of your control, while also having something to blame other than your partner.

4. Recognize when your partner lashes out at you because of the situation, rather than because of your character. Now that you know all the reasons why people might be acting poorly in relationships, it might be easier to see why these feelings are arising in you and your partner.

5. Focus on what you can control in the relationship. Instead of being upset that you can’t go to the movie theatre for date night, celebrate the fact that you and your partner get to pick from hundreds of movies on Netflix, instead of a few pre-selected blockbusters at the cinema.

6. Be strategic about when you talk to your partner about a concern. Don’t try and talk about important issues when your partner is clearly exhausted after a long day, or just got off of a videoconference.

7. Don’t overdo it – find a balance when it comes to support. Suddenly smothering your partner with care and reminders that everything is okay *despite the global catastrophe we are living through* might make them feel weak or remind them of the state of the world when they were happily living in a protective bubble beforehand.

8. Provide practical help. Although emotional support is usually appreciated, sometimes your partner just has too many things on their to-do list, and taking on one of their tasks (like washing the dog) is a better way of showing you are there to help.

9. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a counsellor. More than ever, learning proper communication skills and mediating disagreements is vital to the strength of your relationship.

10. Find ways to fortify your relationship through quality time. Choose to connect with one another by practicing gratitude about the small things you are accomplishing together, and spend some time trying something new together.

No one wants to lose their partner, and especially not because of something as uncontrollable as a global pandemic. 

Fortunately, you don’t have to – take care to implement the steps above and watch the challenge of staying together turn into an opportunity for furthering your bond. You might even find that enhancing your romantic relationship helps you to maintain other, less salient relationships, like those with family members or friends.

It is possible for you and your partner to come out of this pandemic with even more love and appreciation for one another than you had going into it.

Pietromanoco, P. R. & Overall, N. C. (2020). Applying relationship science to evaluate how the COVID-19 pandemic may impact couples’ relationships. American Psychologist, http://dx.doi.org.proxy1.lib.uwo.ca/10.1037/amp0000714.